Just For Today

It has been a minute since I have decided to share.   Life has become hectic, love has become absent and happiness has become fleeting.  I feel I am back where I started....existing.  Day by day the routine remains the same...never changing....predictable to the point of pain. I had come so far but now I feel I am starting all over again.  Difference this time...I am tired.   Tired of reinventing myself.. my life...my mission.  Age and experience have left me jaded.  My innocence is ebbing away with each passing day.  The future which always seemed bright, now seems cloudy.  I can not see, I can not feel...the direction escapes me.  Today is all I have....my focus.... to get through the day.

What is it all for?

Recently a very good friend of mine shared that she was questioning her purpose...my purpose...hell the purpose of life here on earth.  It seems like most of us go through life simply existing.  We get comfortable in our daily routines and we become complacent.  It does not start off this way...as children we see the world as a place with endless possibilities.  We brag to our parents that one day we will take the world by storm, we will grow up and do all the things we could not do as children.  Our parents warn us to be careful of what we ask for...they know the truth.  The truth is, as we get older we fall into a trap.  We forget all the great things we wanted to do and become part of the machine.  We realize that being an adult means being responsible, it means sacrifice, hard work, stress....etc. etc. etc.   Now there are those of us out there who have held on to those dreams and incorporate them into their lives...they are living.  Those of us who get up every day and dread what lies ahead are existing.  I find myself in the trap, however I am still a dreamer.  As I approach 50, I know my time is here on this rock is getting shorter.  I have been guilty of putting my dreams on hold to take care of the responsibilities of an adult...work, family, home....but now my dreams have got to be a priority.  Those people and situations in my life who bring no light, no love, no peace must be put aside  like the toys of my youth, they no longer serve me. 

Spring Cleaning

It's been a long cold winter.  I have accumulated a lot of things that no longer suit me.  I gained five pounds, had heart broken and put myself in a place where stress rules my life.  It is time to shed all those things that no longer suit me.  I have to open the closets, the drawers and take inventory.  There are people and situations that no longer bring joy or light to my life.  Like those old shoes....they may be comfortable but there are holes in the soles.  I need a strong foundation to carry me through life.  I need people who are supportive and nurturing.  I need to surround myself with those who give more then they take.  People who appreciate what I give and don’t take my kindness for weakness.  I must sweep out the pain, the sorrow the darkness and replace it with love, joy and light. 

To care about you vs. to care for you

I love you....always have....always will.

5 Days

 I did what I have been training myself to do...I let myself be vulnerable.  Despite my fears, I opened myself up to the possibilities.  Because of your words...your actions....the emotions I felt  during the conversations we shared, I let go of the oars.    I let the boat drift, confident it would stay on course and sail freely in open waters. I didn’t know for sure where it would dock, but I never thought it would veer so  far off course.    I trusted my instincts...I trusted the friendship we shared....the ship CRASHED into the rocky shore.  I had no power to control it once I put the oars down.  So now I stand  on the shore..... alone, hurt and confused trying to put the pieces together.  Trying not to revert back to the place where fear held me hostage.  Looking for the lesson that I know is hidden behind my tears. Transformation is not by any means a destination....it is a process.  So, I will do what I have always done....retreat into my soul and work on healing.  I will emerge again...better, wiser, stronger....more determined.  I will find the silver lining...embrace the lesson....get back in the boat....put the oars down and continue on my journey.  5 days....beautiful days...memories that will bring a smile to my face in the decades to come.  5 days....a lesson about life, love and acceptance. 

Rethinking

What a roller-coaster ride I have been on the last few months.  Most days I don't know if I am coming or going.  Today I feel like I just need to go...somewhere...anywhere...not here in my skin.  When did my skin become so uncomfortable?  I thought transformation would take me to a place of enlightenment, but I don’t feel like my travels have taken me far.  I had dreams of being wiser, happier, freer..but dreams sometimes escape the dreamer. 

Question....

To recycle or not....that is the question.....

Confessions

Over the summer I spoke about the "Truth".  Discovering something that I did not know nor do I think I wanted to know.  Over the last 6 months I have realized I am just guilty of not being totally honest in this situation.  Because of fear, I never felt I could be honest.  Fear of the fall out that the truth could produce. The truth is... my fantasy realm was a safe place to escape to.... reality could somehow ruin it all.  I had carefully constructed a secret place in my mind, my heart and my soul.  I think I never really wanted anyone to know about my secret place....not even you.   But I realize  I only constructed this place out of the fear of truth...fear of living.... So recently I chose to live despite of or should I say because of the fear.  I am tired of living in fear. The truth may hurt for a moment but not saying what I needed to say has weighed on me for decades.  Freedom from fear may just be worth the pain.

FEAR

Trying so hard to live past the fear I feel in my soul.  I know that living in a state of fear is not living at all.  I feel so jaded by all the pain of the past that I can not embrace the joy that paves my future.  Simply living in the present is the answer.  Being happy in this moment...letting go of the past and not worrying about the future.  Much easier to said then done.  Perhaps I will give it a try....maybe I will just find peace knowing that you exist.

Truth

Suddenly I feel like flames are consuming me.  My eyes have finally opened to the truth.  The words I wanted to hear replaced by the ones I did not.  A pain so strong I could not breathe...stopped dead in my tracks by the truth.  A distraction at best, a lie just the same.  I stepped into a void...I could not hear, I could not see...words were lost...my head felt heavy and my body grew limp.  How could I be so blind, so stupid....it was there the entire time...THE TRUTH. 

40 Days...Mind, Body and Spirit

Now at 46 I spend more and more time asking, "What is my purpose here at this moment ....this time"?  So, I have decided to do a 40 day mind, body and spirit overhaul.  A purging if you will of all the things that I feel are weighing me down.  This is possibly going to be the hardest transformation in my life to date.  Giving up certain foods, negative thoughts, doubts, fears.....all the things that no longer serve me on this part of my journey. My goal....to be lighter, more loving, more giving,  less harsh on myself and others.  The emotional baggage is  much heavier then the 20 pounds I need to lose.  Giving up donuts will be far easier then giving up the anger, the resentment, the guilt and the pain.  As I come to the end of day one, I am not sure I feel any different....other then being hungry. 

New Perspective

Summer is here and like the change in season, changes in my life are upon me.  I have decided its time to stop being a starving artist and return to work.  I start my new job next month and although I tried to escape, its back to social services.  I think the last 18 months have taught me to keep things stress free so we will see how things go.  I am learning to simply live not for the day, but for the moment.   Love still puzzles me and  my quest to figure it out still continues.  One of these days I will stop thinking about it  and just allow myself to feel it.   

My Aura

For the last few months, I have been going through a search and discovery mission.  I thought my decisions over the last year had helped me to grow and become more in tune with the world around me.  I was wrong....I decided to retreat to my family homestead to recharge.  On the way I  stopped and had my Aura picture taken to show me how wonderful I have become in the last year.  To my dismay, my aura was not what I expected.  The beautiful indigo crowned me as always, however in the center of my being was just a black void.  How could this be?  I have spent so much time trying to be more open and more loving.  I have even blogged about it in many of my post.  So at the homestead after a few shots of courage from Jose',  I had my semi annual melt down (every six months I allow myself to cry like a loon for about 5 minutes).   I have come to some pretty interesting conclusions....  I am a loving person, however it has been my experience that when I do show my emotions...love, sadness, pain  etc.  people in my life shut me down.  I am too mushy, too weak, too optimistic, not optimistic enough.  So despite my attempts to be more in touch with my emotions my heart chakra was still void.   I have finally realized that in order for me to open my heart to emotions,  I first have to give myself permission to express them.  I have to be able to express them despite how others will react.  So I may seem weak, mushy, evil but I will be a much better person for saying what needs to be said....for feeling what needs to be felt and ultimately doing what needs to be done.

I love you

Three little words..eight letters.... such a big leap.  To say it or not to say it...that is the question.  When do you say those three little words to the person you love more then life itself? You talk to them everyday...yet the words never come.  You dream of them every night...yet the words never come.  You think of them every hour....yet the words never come.  In your fantasies you hold them close...look into their eyes... lips almost touching and you whisper the words you need to say.  You breathe their breath and you take them into your soul.  Your love is greater then all the wonders of the world....then you open your eyes and remember it’s only a fantasy.  Three little words...eight letters.......

Sad Day......

Have you ever experienced something so life changing that you are amazed by its power? When my mother died 6 years ago, my world was crushed.  She was my best friend and I never thought she would leave me so soon.  After her death, I started my transformation....I set out to redefine myself now that I was no longer a daughter.  I went on a 7 day retreat out in the wilderness of Arizona.  It was the start of my life changing journey.  In the middle of the desert I found God.  Not the god so many people identify with...but my God.  The God that is all loving...not the god we are taught to fear.  My God made me feel consumed with love.  Gone were the guilt and fear I was taught represented God.  When I returned  home, I felt alive...but I needed to connect with other people in my local community who knew this God I had discovered.  By chance and with the help of Google….I found a wise man that helped me to continue my journey.  When I first met him, my old fears told me to be afraid, but my Spirit gave me peace and allowed me to trust him.   A few months after my first meeting with him, he and his partner opened a store in the community.   Since the opening of the store I have been a consistent patron.  Let me say,  this is not just a store...  yes, there is merchandise for sale but its what you can't buy that brings so many to this small store front day after day.  In this tiny little store, located a block from the beach, is the heart of a community.  A place of peace, acceptance, love and serenity.  It is not a college or library, but it is a place where all who enter learn lessons of light and love.  All walk in strangers and leave as family.  My heart is heavy today, because the little store with the big heart is gone.  A devastating fire destroyed my sacred space today.  I am eternally grateful that such a powerful fire, did not harm any of the residents or the firefighters who desperately tried to save the buildings.  I sat at my computer and watched the news videos of  my very special place engulfed in smoke.  I could not just sit here and watch from the comfort of my home.  I knew that the owners of the business would be out there and I needed to be there for them.  I knew there was nothing I could personally do to put out the fire or save the store... but I knew the light and love they had so freely given to me over the years was now mine to return.  You see it was not "chance" or Google that lead me to them...it was God...my God the one who opened my eyes and my spirit to the hidden wonders of the universe.  Although I have a heavy heart, I know that the community created at the

"Sacred Circle"

has nothing to do with the four walls of that tiny store front.  The community consists of the people who walked in the doors empty and left full. The community can not be destroyed...love is eternal.  The community will rally and although the little store is gone its heart beats in us all.  NAMASTE!

(((I'm Back!)))

Work on the book has come to a halt.  I am stuck...not sure where the story is going.  I guess every good writer needs a muse; something that moves the writer into the creativity zone.  Weeks have gone by and I have not had the desire to write anything.  I have been existing...but today a spark was again ignited and so here I am. 

RANT FOR THE DAY..... "What is Love?"  

 I have spent a lot of time writing about love...I have spent more time thinking about its meaning.  The truth is I have spent too much time thinking and not enough time feeling.  I have been searching for a definition for something that can not be defined.  Love is simple...we make it complicated.  We have a tendency to do that with anything that involves emotions.  I once knew the simplicity of love.  I spent most of my time even then trying to define what I was feeling.  Analyzing every aspect...not fully understanding there was no need to understand.  I only needed to "be"...I cant define what it is but I know how it should feel.  The problem is that we are socialized not to feel...we must see things, hear things, in order for them to make sense to our physical body.  The truth is we are not physical beings.  We are light...we are made with love, to love and to feel love. So what was the Muse that ignited me to write?  It was my LOVE.......

The Book

Finally, after many years of talking about writing a book with my best friends, I started writing last night.  May I say that writing a book is nothing like blogging, but I am on chapter 5 and so far the process has been enjoyable.  This project is long overdue.  The four of us have given the subject much lip service over the years but never made any concrete plans to make it happen.   I am hopeful we will have a final draft in the next eight weeks.  I will keep you posted on its progress.

I Ponder

A few weeks ago, I was watching the evening news, which is something I rarely do.   There was a story about an art exhibit that was going to be featured at the Brooklyn Museum in NYC.  Many religious groups were boycotting the exhibit because a video of ants crawling on a crucifix that was slotted for the exhibit.  Many stated that the video was sacrilegious and offensive.   I by no means am taking sides on the opinions of others; however I have an opinion of my own.  I believe in God and I believe that he created the most beautiful features of the world we live in.  He created the Oceans, the Sun, the Moon, Trees, Plants, Animals and Man.  His creations like Him are perfect. In the book of Genesis he stated that all man would ever need was created by Him.  He gave us charge over all the creations on Earth, to care for and to protect.  Every day I look around and I see how we as man have not lived up to his charge.  We do not respect, care for or protect his greatest creations.  We pollute the waters, the air, and the earth.  We harm the animals, we harm each other.  We take more then we give and our actions would seem to me to be sacrilegious.  We take all that He has given for granted.  We cut down entire forest, we displace animals from their natural habitat, we throw trash and toxic waste into our water systems. We spit in the face of God each time we do these things.  Leonardo Da Vinci's creations are protected with every type of technology known to man.  We treat the Mona Lisa painting like it is more precious then gold.  Leonardo was a man, given a gift by God and we treasure his works more then we treasure the works of God Himself.  God is the first artist and by far the greatest of all times.  Man will never be able to recreate his works.  God’s most precious gift to the planet is man....and we are no kinder to each other then we are to the natural wonders He created.  Children are beaten, molested..women are raped and abused every second of every day in our world.  Right now as you read this humans all over the world are suffering at the hands of other humans.  Our planet is dying and we have people who focus on petty issues such as an art exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum.  Honey Bees are and have been disappearing from our planet.  When they are gone so are we...without them nothing grows, no trees, no flowers no vegetables, fruits....this is what we need to concern ourselves with.  God does nothing nor did he create anything by mistake.  From the mighty Ocean to the humble honey bee all of His creations have a Divine purpose. Destroy one you destroy all.  God did not create the cross featured in the art exhibit, but he did create the two year old little girl whose father threw her in a river strapped in her car seat.  Are we as outraged about that as we should be? God Himself gave us a set of laws to live by. In Exodus 20 verses 22 to 25, God say this to Moses, " Tell the Israelites this: You have seen for yourselves that I have spoken to you from Heaven: Do not make any gods to be alongside me; do not make for yourselves gods of silver or gods of gold. Make an alter of Earth for Me and sacrifice on it your burnt offerings, your sheep and goats and your cattle.  Wherever I cause my name to be honored, I will come to you and bless you.  If you make an altar of stones for me, do not build it with dressed stones, for you will defile it if you use a tool on it."   My interpretation is this.... God is telling man that his creations of earth, stone, cattle are scared and they should not be redesigned by man.  To worship and honor him create an alter that is pure and perfect from the gifts he has given to man.  He says not to use silver or gold or any tool that will defile his creations.  God Himself told us how important his creations are to him and to us.  God further clarified his laws when he gave to man the 10 Commandments. God's second commandment clearly states, " You shall not make for yourself  an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.  You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God am a jealous God."  So I ask how does a man made crucifix becomes more important then the Creations of God.  God clearly says that we shall not worship idols...we should not give man made objects more respect and power then those created by Him.  So tell me....what actions of man are sacrilegious?

Welcome

Looking at my traffic statistics, my blog has attracted some readers from Russia, Germany, Africa and South America.  Welcome and I hope you are enjoying my rants! 

Full Circle

Its been decades since you disappeared from my life.  You are the very reason I breathe today.  Without you not sure I would have made it through the darkest time in my life. You will never know how you saved me....you will never know the strength you gave me....you will never know how you changed my life. You were my distraction....you kept me where I needed to be in order to receive one of the most precious gifts that life can ever give.   When you left, I was lost....I had everything I ever wanted, yet I was lost without you. The strength you gave me was the foundation I needed to move forward.  But how I missed you....it was not easy but ....I found a new distraction....I was not supposed to let him into my heart, but now he is the one that my heart now beats for. Here you are again....I feel like I am in a circle of confusion.....my present distraction was what got me through losing you.  I picked my new distraction because; he was almost a carbon copy of all that I loved about you.  My heart belongs to him, but my mind can not help to remember how it once belonged to you. The twist is that his heart belongs to another....so will you once again be my distraction....  Here you are again....never thought it would happen...but here you are.....AGAIN!

Not A Good Day

It's one of those days where my nerves are standing on edge.  Every noise, every distraction makes me want to scream.  It's one of those days when you wish the world would just stop or disappear for a few hours so you can just be.  Just be silent...alone....in peace.  Is this the beginning of menopause.....or do I just need a long vacation? 

You Touch My Soul

Escape

By K. Elvin

© February 2011 All Rights Reserved

Escape with me to a secret place...a place designed just for you and me

Escape with me to a peaceful place....where my lips have permission to touch yours

Escape with me to a tranquil place.....where in your arms I slumber in bliss

Escape with me to a beautiful place....where our bodies intertwine

Escape with me to a serene place....where only the sound of our hearts can be heard

Escape with me to a sacred place....where our souls dance in the moon light

Escape with me to a radiant place...where our love illuminates the universe

Escape With Me



When A Women Loves

Love is such a complicated emotion.  It always seems to come with some type of strings attached. It can make you feel safe or it can scare you to death.  It can make you smile or it can make you cry. It can keep you up all night or it can make you sleep like a baby.  Its so complicated that it can even make you hate. But when you really love someone it simply feels good....that is  if you are smart enough to take the thought out of the emotion.

Reflection

It's been nine months since I did the unthinkable and quit my job.  The last nine months have been interesting to say the least.  I have been up and down the emotional roller coaster several times.  I was hoping the complexities of life would be more understandable at this point.   Bottom line is that I am getting bored...very bored.  Summer is over and I am terrified that I will be stuck in the house as the cold weather sets in.  I still have no idea what I really want to do with the rest of my life.  I am once again feeling lost.  Where do I go from here?  I enjoy writing, but as of yet no one is knocking down my door with a publishing deal.  I love to cook, however I am slowly realizing my dream of having my own restaurant is being dashed by the fact that I am getting too old to be standing on my feet in a hot kitchen for 16 hours a day.  I can't go back to my past career choice, as I gave much more then I received.  20 years drained the life out of me and I know if I go back it will be my end.  So....now what?  I have realized some hidden talents, but how do I turn them into a venture that will pay the bills?  Too many questions and no answers....now would be a good time for my fairy godmother to make an appearance.  I wont be holding my breath. 

I Remember

Yesterday was six years since you have been gone.  I wanted to feel sad, but for the first time since you left, I felt warm.  I no longer mourn your passing....I now celebrate your life and my memories of you.  I no longer miss you because I know you are here....your love never left. 

Always In My Heart 

 By  K. Elvin

© November 2005 All Rights Reserved

I woke this morning from a dream,

I woke this morning from a dream and you were gone…

Gone from my sight

Gone from my touch

Gone from my arm

Always in my Spirit.

I knew you before I was born

I chose you to be the one who would always be a part of me.

Before I was born you held me close to your heart

In your womb I felt protected and loved

After I was born you held me close to your heart,

In you arms I felt protected and loved.

As I grew and no longer fit in your arms,

You held me close to your heart

By your side I felt protected and loved.

As time went on, I held you in my arms close to my heart…so that you could feel protected and loved.

Although I can no longer hold you in my arms,

I will forever hold you in my heart

Always protected…always loved.

Today is a beautiful day, the sky is clear, the air is warm, the sun is bright and a gentle breeze wraps around me

it carries your spirit,

I feel protected and loved and I know you are alive

You voice the wind, your touch the sun

Today is a beautiful day…

Today one of God’s perfect creatures has returned home.

WORDS!

"Words"....such a simple one itself...but so powerful. Words are the foundation of communication.  They can make you sad, they can make you smile, they can make you think and they can make you melt. Words can wake up a part of you that was fast asleep.  They can be written or spoken...they can be meaningless or powerful.  Words can take you to a place of insanity or a place of peace.  When you use words to   stimulate the mind  you inadvertently stimulate the soul.........speak to me...........

Is He Crazy?

I was having a conversation with a close friend who has ventured into on line dating.  We were reviewing recent interactions she is having with her new on line friend.  He seems really good on paper....employed, not bad looking, can write a note that is coherent (and in English), has all his teeth, can carry out a descent phone conversation and doesn’t want to have phone/cyber sex.  WOW!  Sounds great....so what is the catch?  I found myself asking her, “if he is all that and a bag of chips...why is he on line?"  Why hasn’t he been snatched up?  Then I thought my question may be a bit bias.  After all my close friend is good on paper and even better in real life and she is on line.  I myself have done the on line dating thing in the past.  I think I met 9 men during this experience.....

• Yuck mouth had black teeth and chained smoked a pack of cigarettes in an hour.  He arrived at our date wearing a leisure suit from 1972 with a hairdo to match.
• Motorcycle man sent me a picture of himself in a Speedo and bow tie after our one and only coffee date...Yuk!
• The little person said he was 5'10"...  turned out to be 4'5", had maybe 10 yellow teeth and showed up at the beach wearing shorts and construction boots.  He went as far to bring his 7 year old son who also was in serious need of a dentist.  He then professed his undying love to me as I struggled not to vomit in my mouth....double Yuk!
•  I live in my mama's basement, embarrassed me to no end by belching as loud as he could as we walked through the mall and then had the nerve to check my hair for tracks as I walked in front of him.  As I threw him out of my car at the train station, he had the nerve to ask if he could play with my feet while he waited for his train...freak!
• Island man, decided dinner was a great place to tell me all about the size of his private parts and how good he was a using them....really?
• The serial killer scared me so bad with his empty stare that I circled around town 30 times to make sure he was not following me home....wooosa!
• The aspiring rapper, who was so fine I almost fainted when I met him, serenaded me all night with his lovely voice and then called the day after to ask me for $3000 to unfreeze his 10k bank account....yeah right!

Then there were the two who were better then the above, but not by much........

• The lawyer, ran his own practice, was a complete gentleman, handsome, and took me out on the best date I ever had.   The date started at a wonderful supper club, where we had front row seats and the staff treated us like we were royalty.   We then drove in his brand new convertible to a private cigar bar where we had the finest Cognac.  Then off to a small Latin club where we danced the Salsa and the Merengue till dawn.  Back at his condo, which was so spotless it reeked of OCD, he showed me the guest room, gave me a towel, a toothbrush, kissed me on my forehead and said good night...wow.... I was so impressed I almost passed out.  Later in the morning he took me to his office where I had left my car, again kissed me on the forehead said he would call me later and he drove off to church.  This had to be too good to be true....it was....subsequent conversations revealed he did have OCD, was a control freak, and wanted me to speak to him in a West Indian accent.  NEXT!
• The “Dog” was not exactly what I expected when I met him at the movies to see some crazy kung fu drama with subtitles.  He was funny, warm and a charmer.  So charming that we dated for over a year.  At some point I actually feel in love with this man and did things I said I would never do.  I drove my brand new car into the city, took the subway alone and even went grocery shopping for him prior to my visits.  There are other unmentionables that I won’t mention but let’s just say he had me twisted.  On a good day I didn’t know if I was coming or going.  Long story short….maybe another time….

So the question...to date on line or not to date on line?  All of my dates looked good on paper, they spoke well on the phone....lets face it, I could have met anyone of these nuts at the store, church, club etc. and maybe I would have dated them...ok maybe not the Yuk mouths or the Serial killer. But my point is do you really ever know the people that come into your life?  Do we all not have some type of shortcoming whether its looks or personality.  So why not date on line?   I guess we will have to see how my friend's new buddy turns out....

Chasing!!!

I am so not going to chase you! I am determined this is going to be on my terms! I will never tell you I miss you and I think about you all the time. I will never tell you I want your arms around me forever! I am so damn sprung, but I will never tell you! I am NOT going to chase you!!!

The Game

Last week I  wrote about the player who only loves you when he is playing.  This week I realized I can control the game.  I was looking at the situation as someone who was not part of the game.  In the game we all strategize to make sure we win.  I obviously was not in the game.  In a game where there are two players there is a 50% chance that one person will win.  I was in the game and didn't understand the rules.  If the game is about distractions and I am the other players distraction, the objective has to be for me to remove myself.  So, I did....I can only be the distraction if I allow it.  So, the rules have changed and I will no longer be a pawn. I am the Queen...I can move anywhere on the board that I choose.   I will not be used.  I have the power to walk away from the game as the victor.  The player has to find another toy...another barbie doll, another distraction.  As stated by Kenny Rogers, "You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away, Know when to run.....well sweetie its time for me to do an OJ and run like hell!  CHECK MATE!

CHAOS!

I find myself thinking about you all the time, that was not supposed to happen. Afterall I am a 40+ year old woman and you are a baby. This was supposed to be fun, but all I can think about is being in your arms standing at the edge of the ocean wishing we could stay here forever. My head tells me NO, my heart on the other hand says YES! You were never supposed to say I love you but you said it and now here we are. Ok so where to from here? Do I listen to my head and run for my life or do I listen to my heart and hold on for the ride? Can't stop the chaos in my head, but the heart wants what it wants. My heart wants you!!!!!

Therapy

Recently I decided to invite other wise but stressed women over 40 to become authors on Transformations.  I have spent the last year and a half in therapy, and although I have gained a lot of insight it has been costly.  So, I requested some of the women I respect the most to share their thoughts here so we can provide free therapy to each other.  So many times we feel the daily struggles we face are unique.  Knowing there are other successful, strong, independent women who feel the same was is comforting, enlightening and humorous.  So here we go......WELCOME LADIES!

Iam So Done

Blind as a bat...deaf as snake and dumb as a mule...you enjoy your ability to be clueless.  So I leave you in the abyss of denial.  May your stay there be one of isolation. After all, is that not what you seek?  See no, hear no, speak no... I can not dwell in your house of insanity nor will I visit.  Hope you find peace in your solitude.

"Players Only Love You When They're Playing"

Why do I feel like a Barbie Doll on a shelf (by no means do I look like a barbie doll)?  I sit patiently waiting to be adored, to be noticed. Then it happens.. I am pulled down off the shelf, dusted off and made to feel like Princess Barbie.  I have the full attention of the player....kindness, empathy, protectiveness, security, admiration.  The player looks at me like I am the most perfect Barbie ever created.  The player is attentive and meets all my expectations.  The player is gentle and warm....careful not to break me or dis shuffle me in any way. The player says everything I want to hear and listens to every word that stumbles out of my mouth like I am sharing all the secrets of the universe. I feel like I am the universe to the player during these moments. I am alive....I feel warm, beautiful, appreciated, special, admired and loved.   Then it happens... the player having been distracted long enough from the problems of the real world,  now re-energized... its time for me to be put back on the shelf.  All the love, beauty and tenderness I felt leaves my body as I am once again ignored...tucked away until the player needs to play again.  The player only loves me when he is playing.....

You know when

The thing is that they are grown...
But still interdependent on you...
You think that this is the prolonging of the agony...
But there is still some good stuff...
It is all in your own attitude...
cause you lived with your mother...
long after you were grown...
And if the truth be told ...
you need  and want her...
Still....

When

8 months ago I thought...finally my life will be my own.  In 8 months I grew a killer garden, took Reiki classes, got to a happy place and still my life is not my own.  You would think a 17 year old would be more independent then she was at 2.  Not the case....every morning its the same routine.  She is late, cant find what she is looking for, her hair will not act right and of course she needs money or something signed.  So every morning she is in my room rummaging through my belongings to compensate for the fact that she cant find anything in her own room.  I thought this year would be easy now that she has her own car....there should be no need for me to wake up with her at the crack of dawn....long gone are the days of driving her to school or standing at the bus stop in the rain.  But still my life is not my own.  Even sleeping on my own schedule is not achievable.  So my next thought is that in 11 months she will be 18....then what....in a logical world one would assume that my job is done...after all, since she was 12 she has been telling me she is grown and I should give her space.  "Why do I have to ask?"  "Why do I have to have a curfew?"  So naturally I am curious if this grown child will leave the nest in 11 months?  I try not to get too excited, for something tells me she will be 18, and still rummaging in my belongings....

For a family to work
each must do their share
from the smallest to the biggest
We all must show we care.
The days are long the nights are too.
Sleeping is rare.
Hectic is our life style
always on the run
 the kids always seem to
 get things undone.
Working twice as hard
due to others thought of fun.
living willy nilly
tripped over a bike
and landed on a cat
there's an out burst in the kitchen
we all join in the fight
it's mine she says
to sister who is lying on the floor
kicking so wildly
it sounds like knocking on the door.
the cat is hissing in the corner
the dog is barking at the moon
the children are now giggling
and we are too

Stuck on a Reef

At different parts in our lives we find ourselves frozen in an event, an experience, a fantasy....moving past the moment is sometimes easy and sometimes extremely difficult.  Right now I am stuck once again on a reef.  Trying to determine reality from fantasy.  What is reality?  Do I have the power to create my own reality through my fantasies?  Some say that's how our realities are constructed.  I am beginning to believe its just another fable.  For if it were the truth, I would be rich, skinny and madly in love.  However at the present moment I am confused, befuddled and craving chocolate.

Passages

The people in my world
exhausting...........
railing in despair
bemoaning.......
all that is their share
I can not help you with your
splinter
but could you help me remove the
tree
maybe if we clear the road we will all be
free

Tick tock

We all begin anew every moment of the day
Each moment is an opportunity to change our way
In a tick of the clock we can alter our path...........
In the moment we choose to pause and think,
we can conquer the world
and loose it in the next
Keeping fluid is the key.......
Don't get stuck on a REEF!

Which Way Is Up?

"A Women's Work"......the song invaded my brain while watching "Love and Basketball".  You know how certain songs just take you some place that you can't get back from...."MAKE IT GO AWAY!"  45 is quickly approaching and I have spent the last few weeks trying to make sense of my life.  Emotions that I have trying so hard to make go away are here on the surface.  I am faced with things that I don't know how to deal with. I am feeling so small and so very confused. I guess this is what vulnerable feels like.  I never let myself even think about being vulnerable.  For some reason the last 45 years are passing in front of my minds eye.   All the confusion, hurt, pain....all of the things I have managed to suppress over the years. I know that I have to face my demons all the wrongs that have happened.  Its just not my nature to dwell on emotions.   I have for so long tried so hard to be emotionless in my personal life.  In my work life I have the empathy of Mother Teresa.  But for some reason, I cant face personal emotions.  I have been through so much...and my closest friends and family have no idea the pain I face on a daily basis.  So, I guess its time to deal with the skeletons....I have never let anyone get close enough to me to let them know what really goes on inside of this mind, heart, soul. " I know you've got a little life in you yet...I know you've got a lot of strength left "  I don't know...I feel like the life and the strength is slowly ebbing away. I don't know how to be strong anymore.  I am so tired of being strong for everyone and everything around me.  I am so very tired. I have given so much and have received so little.  So many women feel the same way....I know that I am not alone.  Trying so hard to be a good daughter, sibling, friend, wife, mother, social worker, colleague...etc. etc. etc. When have I ever tried to be good to me...........................? I guess that's what my rant is all about...WHO THE HELL IS ME..........just yesterday I was 5 and I was a child with two parents and 8 siblings....when did it all change, when did the drudgery of life take hold of my soul.  How do I find that innocence...that joy....that freedom.....where is that 5 year old? 40 years later...what happened?  When and why did life get so complicated?  I am everything to everyone but nothing to myself....because I dont know who I am.

Happy Father's Day

My father was one of God's greatest gifts to me.  I will always cherish his memory and all of the lessons he taught me.  When he left me on March 29, 1999, I thought my world had ended.  However, he taught me to be strong and resilient.  So it would have been a dishonor to him for me to give up.   Even though I dont get to see him, I know he is always with me.  He is part of who I am and he will always be alive in my heart.

A Father's Love

By K. Elvin

© March 1999 All Rights Reserved

You gave me life and watched me grow

You taught me the lessons of trust and respect.

You gave me your unconditional everlasting love.

I grew and learned to love myself and those around me

You showed me compassion and molded my wings

You gave me my freedom and watched me soar

When I flew into obstacles you gave me your strength and protection

When my wounds were healed you gave me encouragement to fly again

My Father’s Love…will be my eternal joy

I will carry all that you have given me

I will be a wiser and more loving person because of knowing you

I will strive to be all that you saw in me

But now it’s your time to fly…So soar with open wings

A joyous soul and brilliant eyes into the Arms of God,

Until the day we can soar together.

Settle Down

Family and friends all want to know who "He" is.....calm down.   There is no mystery man.  This is a BLOG....a place where I contemplate life.  No more no less. 

Continued

Ok...so yesterday the topic was loving vs. being in love and the simplicity/complexity of the subject.  So today's thought is can we control love?  Do we have a choice in who we fall in love with or does it just happened when you least expect it?  Let’s go back to him....I never thought I could love him and I truly never believed I could fall in love with him.  In fact every fiber of my being decided I would not even come close to loving him.  Such a difficult person to deal with....so opinionated....so annoying. So, more troubling then loving him is the question of how it even happened.  I know I have tried to shut it off.  I have spent countless days trying to convince myself that what I am feeling is something else...anything else...but not love.  I have argued with myself (out loud at times) and realized I was losing the argument.  I tried to make the feelings go away.  Now as many of you know, not acknowledging your feelings is a recipe for disaster.  Feelings have a way of surfacing no matter how far down you stuff them.  Mine surfaced in the form of anxiety, anger and even uncontrollable crying.  For those of you who know me crying is not an act that I do frequently and never in public.  So, what had he done to me to make me feel like I was on a wild emotional roller coaster ride?  It had to be something he did, because I could never admit that somewhere along the line I had lost control.  Lost control of my emotions, specifically my ability to choose who I love.  Loving him was and is a choice I would never consciously make.  So, I go back to how did it happen and how do I make it stop?  One thing I can say on a positive note, is that loving him makes me feel alive.  For such a long time I had locked that emotion away, not wanting to ever feel pain again.  Some how he stole the key and opened the vault.  Now, I am not even sure if he likes me, which makes loving him even more difficult and puzzling.  I have always made sure the men in my life loved me before I allowed myself to love them.  But what is absolutely amazing is that him loving me or not loving is not a factor in how I feel.  I like feeling alive...I like knowing that I am human.  I am not afraid to love and I am not afraid to be hurt.  If I stay in fear of being hurt I will never know the joy of being alive. He may never know how he has changed my life but I am grateful that he did.  

You Can Run But You Can't Hide

Why is love so complicated?  I know my random thought from last week states we have a choice....simple or complex.  I seem to always be on the complex side of things.  How do you know you really love someone?  You think at 44 I would have the answer to that one.  But there are days I feel no wiser when it comes to love as I was at 14.   I know my heart flutters when I think of him...I know when I see him I am fixated on his every word.  I know he makes me smile.  I know he can finish my sentences or thoughts at any given moment.  I know he has touched a part of me that has never been touched.  So does this mean its love...that true love we all search a lifetime to find?  I am not sure... but I know I love his smile, his eyes, his laugh, his crazy sense of humor.   I know you are thinking those are the easy things to love about someone else....but I also love his not so nice qualities....his sarcasm, his bluntness, his ability to tell you what you don't want to hear, the way he holds me accountable and does not feed into my insanity.  At times he can be a down right pain in the ass.  But still I love him....the good, the bad and even the ugly...so I love him...but am I in love with him?  What is the difference?  You see here comes the complicated part.  Why does it have to be two separate questions....is being in love with someone different as loving someone?  Thoughts.......

Random Thought

All things are both simple and complicated....it is the choice of the individual to determine the level of complexity.

Poetry By Kre

THE PRIZE (11/15/10)

© 2010 All Rights reserved

I sit and realize …there is no prize

No gold watch…no source of fame

There is no prize, I have no name

I am and have been just an animated frame

I did there bidding and brought them gain

For me the nameless drone…I gave freely

Soul lost its throne

Inside of me an empty shell, resentment, shame and depression fell

Aimless, robotic in human me….

Eyes slowly open

Now I see

Its fall and leaves are falling from the trees

The smell of autumn comforts me

There is a prize that waits for me

Yesterday bound today I’m free

I have a name…. I sing in verse and proclaim my light to the universe

I have a soul

Just like that tree

Yellow, red, shades of me

I claim my prize

Just for me

Freedom

Peace

Prosperity

??????

So much has happened since my trip to California.  The conference was excellent and taught me so much about myself and life.  Living in fear is a life not worth living.  Many of the conference attendees have gone through the transformation I am experiencing.  Some I met want to but are afraid.   So I resigned my job, have really no idea what I will do, but it somehow all feels right.  Somewhere in my life I forgot to figure out who I truly am as a human being...not a daughter, women, mother, wife, director,  etc.  Who am I??????  What makes me happy?  What is happy?  So 7 months after the conference and 4 months since being gainfully unemployed, I am working on answering those questions.  I have discovered a few things.... happiness for me was finally being true to myself and walking away from a job that no longer brought me joy.  Money like they say does not ensure happiness.  Power does not ensure happiness....well at least not for me.  The constant conflicts I was faced with as part of my employment really took a lot out of me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  I believed I was employed to help people make a positive difference in their lives.  The politics associated with my program and position had me questioning my ability to live up to my mission, my goal of serving my clients.  I wont go into it here but many of you will understand that policies and procedures are great guidelines but when you are dealing with peoples lives those P&P's can cause more harm then good.  Lets just say it was a personal conflict of interest that was slowing eating away at my conscience.  So the position, power and money to me was truly not worth selling my soul to the establishment.   Since my resignation, I have discovered many talents I did not know I possessed.  I started making jewelry, sculpting, writing and drawing.  I think there is a frustrated artist trying to emerge. I have been spending a lot of time working in and enjoying my garden.  I am even doing some bird watching.  For the first time since I remodeled my house over 10 years ago....I am enjoying the house as well.  I finally discovered the beauty of my sun porch.  I have read several books and I am working on one of my own.  I have realized there is nothing on television and wonder why I pay for cable.  I am going on a spiritual retreat in July and I am taking Reiki classes this month.  I don't mind food shopping anymore and of course I am still cooking and coming up with new recipes.  I am also on the mission to figure out who I truly am as a person.  What are my beliefs, my desires, my values....not the ones I was taught but the ones that are right for me.  The journey in my eyes has just begun...its like I was just born and I am discovering the world not through the eyes of others(parents, teachers, family members, friends etc) but with my own.  I have realized that this will be a process and will continue for the rest of my life.  I look forward to the journey!

Transition

So, today was the first full day of my Positive Aging Conference here is California.  I am the youngest person at this conference which by far is a good thing.  I say that because with age comes wisdom and today I was surrounded by many wise elders.  The conference started this morning with a drum circle.  All the attendees were given drum, rattles, bells and tamborines.  It was a great way to start the day.  The group of all different indiviuals was able to come together and make really great music.   The first speaker of the day was Artie Bryant.  Professor Bryant is an 82 year old African American man, who was one of the early pioneers of tap dancing.  He took us through his amazing career and chronicled the lives of legands such as Lena Horn, Cab Calloway and the Nicholas brothers.  It brought back so many memories of the storys my parents used to tell me about the legends.  It was an inspiration to realize how some of them aged in a positive manner....never letting a number dictate who they were or what they were able to accomplish. 

I attended workshops with titles such as "Who Am I....Now that I'm Not Who I Was?", "Tomorrow's Workforce Needs Yesterday's Workers"," Do What You Love Across the Generations" and  Recongnition Rites for the New Vision of Aging...Honoring Elders".   I needed to be part of this conference not only for my consumers at work, but for myself as I transition from one life to another.

Conference

OK...so tell me what conference starts at 5pm?  Guess I cant complain.  I did get a chance to walk around LA.  Never ask the bell hops were to go within walking distance.  I started my journey at the Historical Grand Market.  Silly me thought it was a shopping area, it was not..... more like a bad episode of Bizarre Foods.  I saw things that no human should eat.  Since I am 40 +, I have bladder issues. So finding the rest room was a great relief...not!  I run down the steps, trip over my own feet, lunged for the door only to find out I need a quarter to enter....really?  So there I am doing the pee pee dance, when some kind soul paid my way to use the bathroom.  For 25 cents you would think it would be remotely clean...lets just say the bathroom at Penn Station is a palace.  As I stood there trying to decide if washing my hands would be a wise idea, the women at the sink pulled out her teeth and began washing them in the sink....no hand washing for me...thank goodness for hand sanitizer. 


Back on the street, I wondered why I had walked 6 blocks.  It was then I noticed the homeless man who had been sleeping on a bench, laying in traffic.....unlike NY, the people in LA do respond to homeless people laying in the street.  Traffic stopped and safety personnel came out of now where on their bikes.  All this was way too much excitement for me.  I decided to head back to the hotel and attempt to find a museum.  On the way back I saw a sign for the mall....I walked up three flights of steps hoping I would find a shoe store only to find a deli and a radio shack.  No shoes, no clothes...no anything.  I studied my map and noticed that the Japanese Museum was close by.  On my way I came across Tokyo Village, a nice little shopping area with way too many restaurants.  I finally arrived at the museum and while at first not impressed, I found myself mesmerized for 2 hours. 


As we all know, today is the anniversary of Pearl Harbor.  My father, a WWII veteran, who served in the Pacific always spoke about the event that propelled the United States into the "big one".  My father was deployed to Japan after the bomb and told great stories of the country and its people.  Although he was there with the enemy, he feel in love with the culture.  He told stories of how the Japanese soldiers would not bother the African American troops because they said they had enough to deal with back home.   The museum  chronicles the  history of the Japanese  in America.  Like all immigrants they came here for a better life.  Its hard to tell if during the early years life was better here for them or not.  


After the attack at Pearl Harbor we all know that many Japanese Americans were placed in interment camps.  As I looked at the pictures and read the stories tears came to my eyes.  The very same young men whose families were being detained did not become bitter over their situation, but stood up and put on the uniform of the very country that had detained them. It made me think of my father's war stories...he was in a segregated infantry troop.  He saw battle in the south pacific and he returned to the United States not a war hero but a Ni&&#$.  He was debriefed on a segregated  base in Georgia.  He and his fellow black soldiers was not allowed on certain places on the base.  However, the prisoners of war who were being transferred back to their countries had free range of the clubs, pools, mess halls.... 


I asked my self a question while I was in the museum.....why do we love this country?  Trust me I do love my country, I proudly wore the uniform and would not live anywhere else, but I wonder have we learned anything from our mistakes?  We have put people on plantations, reservations, internment camps....are we done?  Have we realized that this was a deep dark time in our history that we should learn from and never repeat. 


I wonder....on one of the walls in the museum it read "never forget"....have we forgotten?  I think about the last 10 years....911 like Pearl Harbor was a vicious attack on our country.  911 was even more vicious because it was not an attack to our military but to our unarmed civilians.  Its an event that will be remembered just like Pearl Harbor.   Although we did not round up all the Muslims or individuals from Islamic countries and put them in internment camps, many wished we had. Many Muslim/Islamic Americans have become targets for hate crimes, profiling and unjust treatment. 


 I hate to admit it, but when I travel I am suspicious of every person I see who looks like they may be from  and Islamic country.  I dislike myself for feeling that way because I know first hand what it feels like to be judged for the color of my skin. Many of these people I fear in the airports are Americans...born and breed here in the USA. Many of them would die for this country and have no ties to any terrorist networks.  Some are not even Muslim, but it would not matter if they were. The point is that I am judging them for who I think they are and not for who they truly are.  


Have we forgotten our past mistakes..if so we are destine to repeat them .  I learned something today...I knew about the camp but today I learned about the people ...the Americans who lived it.  I learned that I have a responsibility to learn something new everyday and to love my fellow man.  I may not be able to stop injustice in the world, but I can make sure I am not part of it.  I will never forget!

Made it!

Maybe I was better off stuck in the airport.  I arrived in sunny LA sometime around 6 pm est. time.  The flight was uneventful but seemed to last forever.  I slept most of the time and more then likely scared my fellow passengers with my snoring and or drooling.  Just kidding...I hope.  I arrived at my hotel almost 2 hours after getting into the ride share van.  Between traffic and the fact that way too many people were stuffed in the van ....the ride also seemed to last forever.  May I add the driver could not drive.  As we circled downtown LA dropping people off at their hotels, I was relieved that I was not staying at any of them.  We pulled up to my hotel and it looks lovely from the outside.  I was a bit apprehensive about the neighborhood and after a short walk I still am.   So the neighborhood is not the best, but the hotel lobby is beautiful.  Then I got to my room....not sure what it smells like.  Not sure if the carpet is safe to walk on....not sure I can stay here four nights.  I spent most of the night looking for bed bugs...I am certain they are here and thriving.  The 3 restaurants they bragged about on line...are all closed for renovations.  The gardens that looked so lovely...are not too bad but not worth the bed bugs.  So, I  began looking at the other two hotel options that were presented for the conference.  Lets just say this is the Taj compared to the others.  Guess I will be here fighting the smells, the locals and the bugs until Friday morning.  Wish me luck!

Waiting....

Its seems that my luck when it comes to traveling is not the best.  I am waiting in Newark airport for a plane that will be at least an hour late.  It is starting to snow...for those of you familiar with Newark airport a drop of rain will delay flights for days.  However, I am gratefully that the one body scanner they have was not at my security check point.  I wore a body shaper just in case.  Its not bad enough I am aging but now people want to broadcast my flab on scanners. So I am off the LA.  I have not been in California since I left the Navy over 20 years ago.   This should be interesting to say the least.   I was never a fan of LA, not one of those cities that moves me.  But at this point I will take 73 degrees over 30 any day.  As I sit here looking at the various gates...I wonder...where could I escape to?  Tokyo...Paris, Rome....something deep inside of me says just go.  Dump all these bags, cast caution to the wind and run like I'm on fire...to any gate that does not say LAX. Would I be missed, would those people in my life survive without me?  I would sure like to find out:)

Stuck in the house

Ok...so the train ride was way too long, however its beats the body scanners at the airport.  Now I find myself stuck in the house.  Although this is by choice....or so I think, I wonder if there was some place to go would I leave the house.  I tried last night....me and my best friend of 31 years decided to leave our homes and venture into the unknown.  We have done this countless time over the years and each time we have the delusion that it will get better.  Well, it doesn't....the same insanity we faced 30 years ago is still out there and it like us is just older.  So where do mature women and men go these days to have fun?  Or does the world assume we no longer need to have fun.  I am not sure, but from what I experienced last night I think the house is my safest option. I sit here with my two dogs, four cats and one snake....and I wonder....will I be the new episode of hoarders or worst animal hoarders.  The little old lady with flea bites smelling or cat urine....is this what I have to look forward to in the years to come? 

Stuck on a train

So, this is new to me and generally I choose to rant in my journal.  However, with the onset of social media madness I find myself blogging.  Stuck on a train.....seems like most of my life I have been stuck in some way or another.  People who know me think I have it all....the house, the career, family etc.  For most my life is a perfect example of living the American Dream.  The American Dream....sounds great, but there is only one problem....its not my dream.  
I as sit here waiting for the train to move I wonder how I got to this point.  I have always desired being part of the dream that our society holds so dear.  Now I have it and have had it for quit some time.  But everything about it feels like I am living someone else's life.  Like many of us, I have always done what I was told to do and learned to like it. 
But now as I approach mid life I no longer want to be a game piece.  I have dreams that I now need to explore.  The house is too big, the career is too stressful and my family is too needy.  I long for freedom, the chance to take risk and adjust to the consequences.  I am tired of being the responsible one...the one everyone looks to for support and advice. 
I have been in a state of transformation for the last 5 years.  When my mother died, I realized I no longer had to please anyone with my actions or decisions.  However, the process of living that realization has been slow.  So recently I have decided to make so much needed changes. 
I put my house up for sale and planned to move to sunny Arizona and raise goats:)  My plan is on hold as the housing market is not in my favor.  So now that the goat raising idea is not going to happen, I have decided its time to change careers.  I have been with my current company for almost 20 years.  I have learned so much and grown so much as a person from this experience.  However, I realize that I have remained in the career not because its my passion but because its my safety net. 
I have so many questions and no answers.  I am in a mid management position and have a decent salary.  I have a generous vacation package and the benefits are outstanding.  So why would I leave all this for the unknown.  I know I can get another job in my field, but that would defeat the purpose of leaving my current job.  So what exactly will I do....I have a million ideas, a few plans and a lot of heart burn. 
I have many passions, but question how these passions can fulfill me spiritually /emotionally and pay the bills.   The American Dream does not come cheap.  Taxes, insurance, utility bills...the list goes on...not to mention the teenager who wants and needs everything.  Am I insane or a trail blazer?  I guess time will tell.