Which Way Is Up?

"A Women's Work"......the song invaded my brain while watching "Love and Basketball".  You know how certain songs just take you some place that you can't get back from...."MAKE IT GO AWAY!"  45 is quickly approaching and I have spent the last few weeks trying to make sense of my life.  Emotions that I have trying so hard to make go away are here on the surface.  I am faced with things that I don't know how to deal with. I am feeling so small and so very confused. I guess this is what vulnerable feels like.  I never let myself even think about being vulnerable.  For some reason the last 45 years are passing in front of my minds eye.   All the confusion, hurt, pain....all of the things I have managed to suppress over the years. I know that I have to face my demons all the wrongs that have happened.  Its just not my nature to dwell on emotions.   I have for so long tried so hard to be emotionless in my personal life.  In my work life I have the empathy of Mother Teresa.  But for some reason, I cant face personal emotions.  I have been through so much...and my closest friends and family have no idea the pain I face on a daily basis.  So, I guess its time to deal with the skeletons....I have never let anyone get close enough to me to let them know what really goes on inside of this mind, heart, soul. " I know you've got a little life in you yet...I know you've got a lot of strength left "  I don't know...I feel like the life and the strength is slowly ebbing away. I don't know how to be strong anymore.  I am so tired of being strong for everyone and everything around me.  I am so very tired. I have given so much and have received so little.  So many women feel the same way....I know that I am not alone.  Trying so hard to be a good daughter, sibling, friend, wife, mother, social worker, colleague...etc. etc. etc. When have I ever tried to be good to me...........................? I guess that's what my rant is all about...WHO THE HELL IS ME..........just yesterday I was 5 and I was a child with two parents and 8 siblings....when did it all change, when did the drudgery of life take hold of my soul.  How do I find that innocence...that joy....that freedom.....where is that 5 year old? 40 years later...what happened?  When and why did life get so complicated?  I am everything to everyone but nothing to myself....because I dont know who I am.