So, this is new to me and generally I choose to rant in my journal. However, with the onset of social media madness I find myself blogging. Stuck on a train.....seems like most of my life I have been stuck in some way or another. People who know me think I have it all....the house, the career, family etc. For most my life is a perfect example of living the American Dream. The American Dream....sounds great, but there is only one problem....its not my dream.
I as sit here waiting for the train to move I wonder how I got to this point. I have always desired being part of the dream that our society holds so dear. Now I have it and have had it for quit some time. But everything about it feels like I am living someone else's life. Like many of us, I have always done what I was told to do and learned to like it.
But now as I approach mid life I no longer want to be a game piece. I have dreams that I now need to explore. The house is too big, the career is too stressful and my family is too needy. I long for freedom, the chance to take risk and adjust to the consequences. I am tired of being the responsible one...the one everyone looks to for support and advice.
I have been in a state of transformation for the last 5 years. When my mother died, I realized I no longer had to please anyone with my actions or decisions. However, the process of living that realization has been slow. So recently I have decided to make so much needed changes.
I put my house up for sale and planned to move to sunny Arizona and raise goats:) My plan is on hold as the housing market is not in my favor. So now that the goat raising idea is not going to happen, I have decided its time to change careers. I have been with my current company for almost 20 years. I have learned so much and grown so much as a person from this experience. However, I realize that I have remained in the career not because its my passion but because its my safety net.
I have so many questions and no answers. I am in a mid management position and have a decent salary. I have a generous vacation package and the benefits are outstanding. So why would I leave all this for the unknown. I know I can get another job in my field, but that would defeat the purpose of leaving my current job. So what exactly will I do....I have a million ideas, a few plans and a lot of heart burn.
I have many passions, but question how these passions can fulfill me spiritually /emotionally and pay the bills. The American Dream does not come cheap. Taxes, insurance, utility bills...the list goes on...not to mention the teenager who wants and needs everything. Am I insane or a trail blazer? I guess time will tell.
